EMPATHIC LISTENING

We are filled with our own rightness, our own autobiography. We want to be understood. Our conversations become collective monologues, and we never really understand what is going on inside another human being.

When another person speaks, we are usually ‘listening’ at one of four levels

We may be ignoring another person,, not really listening at all. We may practice pretending. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right”. We may practice selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. We often do this when we are listening to the constant chatter of preschool child. Or we ay even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being used. But very few of us practice the fifth level, the highest form of listening, empathic listening.

Empathic listening is listening with intent to understand

Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement, a form of judgment and it is sometimes the more appropriate emotion and response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them dependent. The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it is that you fully, deeply understand that person emotionally as well as intellectually

SELF RESPECT

Few days back I was talking to a friend of mine on SELF RESPECT and incidentally I could recollect the lines of William J. H. Boetcker , “That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong”

This self-respect and integrity, in turn produce in those who posses them the ability of both kind and courageous with other people: kind in that they show great respect and reverence for other people, their view, feelings, experiences and convictions; courageous in that they express their own convictions without personal threat. The interplay between differing opinions can produce those third alternatives that are better than that either person had initially proposed.

This is true synergy, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts

People who do not live by the conscience will not experience this internal peace of mind. They will always find their ego attempting to control relationships. Even though they might pretend or feign kindness and empathy from time to time, they will use subtle forms of manipulations and will even go so far to engage in kind but dictatorial behaviour

The private victory if integrity is the foundation for the public victory of establishing common vision, discipline and passion. Leadership becomes interdependent work rather than immature interplay between strong independent, ego-driven rulers and compliant, dependent followers

PERCEPTION AND CREDIBILITY

Perception and credibility problems may ultimately result in complicated knots, what we often call as “personality conflicts” or “communication breakdowns”.

Credibility problems are far more difficult to resolve, primarily because each of the people involved thinks he sees the world as it is rather that as he is. Unaware of the distortion in his own perception, his attitude is this: “If you disagree with me, in my eyes you are automatically wrong, simply because I am sure that I am right”.

Whenever we are “so right” as to make everyone who sees and thinks differently feel wrong, their best protection from further injury from us is to label us, to peg us, to put us behind mental and emotional bars for an indeterminate jail sentence, and we will not be released until we pay the “uttermost farthing”. Most credibility problems can be resolved if one or both of the parties involved will realise that at the root is a perception problem.

ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOURS

Certain attitudes and behaviours are essential to clearing communication lines.

Attitudes

• I assume good faith; I do not question your sincerity or your sanity
• I care about our relationship and want to resolve this difference in perception. Please help me to see it from your point of view
• I am open to influence and am prepared to change

Behaviours

• Listen to understand
• Speak to be understood
• Start dialogue from a common point of reference or point of agreement, and move slowly into areas of disagreement

When these three attitudes and behaviours are acquired, almost any perception or credibility problem can be solved.

Often, once a person understands this, he will change his manner of speech.

• Instead of saying “this is the way it is” he will say “ this is how I see it”
• Instead of saying “ here it is” , he will say “In my view / opinion …”

When others judge us or disagree with us, our reply will be similar to the following in tone, if not in content “Good you see it differently. I would like to understand how you see it”

When we disagree with another, instead of saying, “I am right and you are wrong, we will say “I see it differently. Let me share with you how I see it”

Such language admits other people to human race by telling them “You matter too. Like mine your views and feelings are legitimate and respectable”

WHY CONSCIENCE

Because to be highly effective, your conscience must monitor all that you imagine, envision and engineer. Those who attempt to exercise creativity without conscience inevitably create the unconscionable. At the very last they exchange their creative talents for the CANNED GOOD, losing their creativity their applied imagination and visual affirmation to win material things and social rewards. Then they become hopelessly imbalanced. They may speak the lines of balance scripts, but in reality their constitution are written on the fleshy tablets of their spleen.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN THE MIND

“Begin with the end” is based on the principle that “All things are created twice”.

There is a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things.

Take the construction of house for example. You create every detail before you ever hammer the first nail into place. You try to get a clear sense of what kind of house you want. Then you reduce it to a blue print and develop construction plans. All of this is done before the earth is touched. It not then in that second creation, the physical creation you will have to make expensive changes that may double the cost of your home.

You have to make sure that the blueprint, the first creation is really what you want that you have thought every thing through. Then you put into bricks and mortar. Each day you go to the construction shed and pull out the blueprint to get the marching orders for the day. So you begin with the end in the mind

The carpenters rule is Measure Twice Cut Once

This thumb rule will apply to all vocation

To the extent to which we understand the principles of two creations and accept the responsibilities of both we act within and enlarge the borders of proactivity

PERSONAL MISSION STATEMENT

The Most effective way to begin with the end in mind is to develop a personal mission statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (contribution or achievements) and the values or principles upon which being and doing are based

I have a personal mission statement and consciously adhering to that

• Be simple as much as possible
• Succeed at Home First
• Seek and merit divine Help
• Never Compromise with quality
• Remember the people Involved
• Hear both sides before judging
• Obtain counsel of others
• Be sincere yet decisive
• Develop one new proficiency a year
• Plan tomorrow’s work today
• Do not Hustle while waiting
• Maintain positive attitude
• Keep sense of Humour
• Be Orderly in person and in work
• Do not fear mistakes- Fear only the absence of creative, constructive and corrective responses to those mistakes
• Be open in sharing both achievements and disappointments
• Facilitate the success of subordinates, colleagues, family members , friends
• Listen twice as much as you speak

Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task on at hand, not worrying about rewards, recognition, reciprocations.

As we go deeply within ourselves, (Introspection) as we understand and realign our basic paradigms to bring them in harmony with correct principles, we create both effective, empowering centre and a clear lens through which we can see the world.

MANAGING DISAPPOINTMENT

Disappointment- one of the most common human experiences-not quite so untouchable

A superficial definition of disappointment is the feeling of not getting something targeted, but the phenomenon goes deeper. When what we want is very important and valuable to us disappointment can become significant.

There are two common understandable misconceptions related to disappointment
1.World Loves only winners
2.Disappointment is a bad emotion and it should never be shown

But the truth is that disappointment does not equal failure.

Seen in a positive light, it can stimulate learning and growth.

When you feel disappointed, you can either seek a comfort or seek a solution.
The best approach includes some of the both.

First step back, stop what you are doing, and try to obtain some comfort- but don’t get trapped into staying comfortable.

Having licked or otherwise healed your wounds, prepare for another effort based on a new solution to the problem.

Going straight for the solution without being comforted can also be a trap- workaholism, for example putting long efforts that produce few results, besides it is healthier to confront and release your disappointment, together with any rage or anger that came with it

To resolve disappointment the following tips would surely help

• Talk about disappointment with someone intelligent and caring- and whom you can trust to keep your confidence
• Deal with how you really feel by writing down your feelings. Don’t bottle up your anger if that is what you feel; let is spill out on paper.
• Talk with people who have also know disappointment. Find out how they dealt with it and what they learned.
• Read about gifted leaders who suffered setbacks. How did they handle them?

What universal principles can you find to apply to your own situations?

BELIEVE THAT SUCCESS BREEDS SUCCESS NOT THAT FAILURE BREEDS FAILURE

Please see failure more as fertilizer to be used to enrich the soil of your mind where the seeds of success must be planted

Failures and disappointment are to be used only as corrective feedback can help getting back on target