EMPATHIC LISTENING

We are filled with our own rightness, our own autobiography. We want to be understood. Our conversations become collective monologues, and we never really understand what is going on inside another human being.

When another person speaks, we are usually ‘listening’ at one of four levels

We may be ignoring another person,, not really listening at all. We may practice pretending. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right”. We may practice selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. We often do this when we are listening to the constant chatter of preschool child. Or we ay even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being used. But very few of us practice the fifth level, the highest form of listening, empathic listening.

Empathic listening is listening with intent to understand

Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement, a form of judgment and it is sometimes the more appropriate emotion and response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them dependent. The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it is that you fully, deeply understand that person emotionally as well as intellectually

SELF RESPECT

Few days back I was talking to a friend of mine on SELF RESPECT and incidentally I could recollect the lines of William J. H. Boetcker , “That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong”

This self-respect and integrity, in turn produce in those who posses them the ability of both kind and courageous with other people: kind in that they show great respect and reverence for other people, their view, feelings, experiences and convictions; courageous in that they express their own convictions without personal threat. The interplay between differing opinions can produce those third alternatives that are better than that either person had initially proposed.

This is true synergy, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts

People who do not live by the conscience will not experience this internal peace of mind. They will always find their ego attempting to control relationships. Even though they might pretend or feign kindness and empathy from time to time, they will use subtle forms of manipulations and will even go so far to engage in kind but dictatorial behaviour

The private victory if integrity is the foundation for the public victory of establishing common vision, discipline and passion. Leadership becomes interdependent work rather than immature interplay between strong independent, ego-driven rulers and compliant, dependent followers

PERCEPTION AND CREDIBILITY

Perception and credibility problems may ultimately result in complicated knots, what we often call as “personality conflicts” or “communication breakdowns”.

Credibility problems are far more difficult to resolve, primarily because each of the people involved thinks he sees the world as it is rather that as he is. Unaware of the distortion in his own perception, his attitude is this: “If you disagree with me, in my eyes you are automatically wrong, simply because I am sure that I am right”.

Whenever we are “so right” as to make everyone who sees and thinks differently feel wrong, their best protection from further injury from us is to label us, to peg us, to put us behind mental and emotional bars for an indeterminate jail sentence, and we will not be released until we pay the “uttermost farthing”. Most credibility problems can be resolved if one or both of the parties involved will realise that at the root is a perception problem.

ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOURS

Certain attitudes and behaviours are essential to clearing communication lines.

Attitudes

• I assume good faith; I do not question your sincerity or your sanity
• I care about our relationship and want to resolve this difference in perception. Please help me to see it from your point of view
• I am open to influence and am prepared to change

Behaviours

• Listen to understand
• Speak to be understood
• Start dialogue from a common point of reference or point of agreement, and move slowly into areas of disagreement

When these three attitudes and behaviours are acquired, almost any perception or credibility problem can be solved.

Often, once a person understands this, he will change his manner of speech.

• Instead of saying “this is the way it is” he will say “ this is how I see it”
• Instead of saying “ here it is” , he will say “In my view / opinion …”

When others judge us or disagree with us, our reply will be similar to the following in tone, if not in content “Good you see it differently. I would like to understand how you see it”

When we disagree with another, instead of saying, “I am right and you are wrong, we will say “I see it differently. Let me share with you how I see it”

Such language admits other people to human race by telling them “You matter too. Like mine your views and feelings are legitimate and respectable”